More on Motherhood, Solitude and Writing

I've been wondering why that one essay in Literary Mama pushed my buttons like that. And I think it's because of the hundreds of blaring messages (from other mothers especially) who say that it is NOT okay to leave your children - for a day, or a week, or God forbid, a month - to be a writer.

It seems like it's more okay to leave for "business" reasons; ie, if you're getting paid, and the implication there is that you really don't want to leave, but you have to, for the financial survival of your family. So everyone has to sacrifice. And it also seems like it's okay to leave your children to have a romantic getaway with your spouse. We've done this fairly regularly for overnights, but not for a week or a month. But to leave the precious darlings, so you can scribble away in some cabin? Uhm, you must be related to the Unabomber, to want to do something like that.

When I was awarded a five-week fellowship at MacDowell two years ago, I was beside myself with excitement. A few days before I was to leave, we held a Memorial Day barbecue out on our deck. One of our guests, the mother of my then-13 year old daughter, gasped when I told her how long I'd be gone. "You're no mother!" she said. And if you pressed her, she would've said she was kidding. But she wasn't. Not really.

I don't know why I have found it absolutely necessary for me to find this time away, ever since my firstborn was about a year old. And even before then, since she was about three months, I always found a way to take a few hours in a cafe or library. Maybe this makes me a bad mother. I've never had a huge amount of separation anxiety and neither have my kids. My seven year old was chomping at the bit to go to sleepaway camp, and since I let her go, this also apparantly makes me a bad mother. (GASP! Sleeping away? At seven??) She completed her 8th and final year as a camper last summer, and is now hoping to be a teen staff at the place that has allowed her such joy and independence.

I've often found myself saying that my writing is like my third child, and I would feel just as miserable and neglectful if I didn't give it the same time and energy that I give my other children. And it's true - the more time that I write, the more generous and energetic and affection I feel when I return. And when I spend too much time carpooling, erranding, and tending to the other minutae of family life, without taking writing time, I'm a terrible, cranky parent. It has to balance out.

When my children were small, I took enormous solace and company in a book called A Question of Balance. It was filled with women who felt equal desires to create and to parent. It was a lifeline for me, really a vital link to my sanity, to know that I wasn't alone. Which is why I was so excited to read the beginning of that essay, "I need my solitude." What killed me is that she seemed to throw up her hands and say, "Oh well, but not now."

Well, I need it. And it doesn't appear to have harmed my family that I have taken it, in big and small chunks, since they were little. I truly am a big believer in this whole It-Takes-A-Village notion. I've been happy to have my children cared for by a huge community of people, from relatives to paid help to friends. Ten cheers for the sleepover! (which they both started at the age of three) Everyone obviously has to do what they feel comfortable with, but I think that more mother-writers would be surprised at how comfortable solitude could get if only they could give it a try, and not feel guilty about it. And if they could only feel as if they and their writing are worthy of it.

I recognize that a group for whom this is a massive challenge is single parents. I know it's hard to even find enough solitude and time to wipe your own bottom, let alone write a novel. But for people who have partners and relatives and friends and parents of friends, I say go for it. Your children won't be scarred or harmed. And they might even do better than if you didn't go for your solitude. They'll have a happier, more satisfied and fulfilled mother. And that's good for everyone.